Dear Mum,
I went to bed yesterday full of promise and hope. I knew that today was to be a great day for me. It had to be, I had an exam. You remember when you called to wish me a good night? I had already asked God for one. He seemed to have granted me my wish, for I had this sense of peace wash over me. You really need to stop calling at such hours. You know it’s illegal to own a phone in school. I could be expelled you know. Not that I care, I really hate in this place. The food sucks, the people suck and the teachers are horrible.
For the first time I had a good night in my brief life. Normally I would suffer from insomnia or have nightmares. I know you are aware of the terrible nightmares that I have suffered since childhood. I used to be so afraid of the night that I would cuddle up near you and sleep. I would refuse to go to bed in my own room even after Daddy confirms that am alone. That was the point, only I could not comprehend then. I was terrified to be alone. Mum, last night I slept like a baby.
I went to class really early today. I told you I had an exam. I met Kimani on the way and we walked together. I am sure you remember Kimani, my best friend. He has been helping me with Math assignments. I told you I have no idea why I study it; I want to be a writer. I want to write books and be famous. I want to give public lectures in universities and sign my books in shopping malls. I want to organize book reading clubs at home and make people read books. Not calculate calculus or produce probabilities.
How would you know how much you have made in your book sales, you once asked me? I will hire a pretty good accountant, like Kimani, I said. He is really good at Math Mum. He has attended many contests. I have no idea how he does it but he does.
We talk over many things. The recent Syokimau demolitions, he says his brother’s house was demolished. Yeah, he too has a phone. We do not understand why a government would demolish houses that were approved to be built by them in the first place. Kimani wants to be president. I believe he can make a good president; he always defends me when the prefects pick on me. I know you would say am rude but those goons don’t like me. Kimani is the entertainment prefect so I always get it easy.
We talk of the Al Shabaab war and why a nation that cannot feed itself goes to war. We also talk of the coming holidays. I tell Kimani you had promised to take us to see Aunty Mary in Mombasa. We are going to our rural home, he says. I still do not understand why people go to their rural homes for holidays. I ask him as much and he says he has never seen his grandparents for a whole year. I hope sokoro, grandfather is fine. When I left he was ailing.
He asks me if I am ready for the exam. I am ready, I say. Am I? Of course not. I am never ready for anything. I am never certain of it. Sometimes the world seems to spin too fast even though astronomers and scientists tell us it moves at the same speed it has always done for eons. That is how am feeling now. Torn between believing the past or embracing the future. The past looks real; it is assuring, comforting and even surreal at best. But it’s the past. The future, mum what can I say about the future? I have no idea what it is. I know it signifies things to come, those that which are not in our grasp yet. Things! No one knows what those things are, I don’t. The universe unfolds as it should, Desiderata said. So the future would simply unravel as it is. I am not ready, I finally say after a long silence. He looks at me keenly, what is wrong, he asks. Nothing, I reply and hurry along. We have an exam, I yell over my shoulder.
Of course something is wrong Mum. I am bothered and disturbed by what I heard last week. I have been meaning to write you a letter and tell you how I feel. It is weighing me down heavily and I cannot simply go on.
Mum, the head prefect is yelling that lights out. Soon he will switch off the lights and the candles you bought me are finished. I also have another exam tomorrow so I better get to bed and rest but Mum, I promise to write you a letter one day!
